on choice & reflection

‘choice’ is something that keeps coming up for me when i sit down and do my personal readings (alone or, with my spiritual team). i have been stalked by the 2 of swords for the last month or so. readings have always centered around this and the need to reflect.

i was stuck on this for awhile.

it wasn’t necessarily that the messages didn’t make sense, but i was tired of reflecting frankly. i was tired of sitting down and going over the same things in my journal and my mind. i got to a point where i felt like, “what’s the fucking point? i ALWAYS make it a point to reflect but i’m not really getting anywhere.”

i guess this was mostly just stubbornness mixed with just straight up burn out and exhaustion. life has been a lot recently in so many ways. i feel like i have been fighting so hard that the idea that i had to pause and reflect to get anywhere felt infuriating. i have been in this crossroads moment of “where am i going next? what is it i want?” and i just had no idea how to get my feet to move.

every answer i came up with felt wrong, or like it wasn’t good enough, or that i was just going along with whatever was offered without second thought. i worried that making one choice meant sacrificing what i’d learned, and that i would just end up repeating the same trials and lessons. that i would be forever stuck in this same swirl; this same loop. the other choice felt rocky. unknown and unsafe. that’s hard for me to gravitate towards, being as i am a creature of habit who loves stability and pleasure (yes i am a taurus).

but.

i was forced to reflect. in that way that shadow workers, and those who work with dark gods understand well. i got smacked over the head with painful memories that i had done a really good job at repressing for decades. i knew they were there but i didn’t allow myself to face them because, honestly, it hurt too much. i knew facing it meant that my whole sense of self would be flipped over. i’m no coward when it comes to things of this nature and “going there” but this one was buried so deeply in the core of myself. i just didn’t want to open the can of worms. and then i did.

i realize now just how deeply this particular wound went. how it had latched itself onto me and spread it’s tendrils out into every thing and every relationship i had experienced, without me even realizing it. i finally see how it caused me to have no idea how to take care of myself in healthy ways. In ways that didn’t rely on emotional neglect, self-sabotage, and self-sacrifice.

so how does this all this relate to choice? 

well. i’ve realized that there is no good or bad choice or path at the end of the day. it doesn’t matter which direction you walk in as long as the choice you’re making is done so after asking yourself:

what is it i need, and need to do in order to take the best care of myself? 

whatever the answers are is the lantern. they are the guiding light for which direction you need to start walking in. the choice itself cannot be right or wrong when it is based upon this truth. you get the answers by peering deep under the surface of yourself, and understanding what your soul needs by way of understanding what it has been denied.

the answers, the choices.. they are never as simple as “i need this exact career, apartment, relationship, whatever else. that’s what taking care of myself looks life. that’s what will finally bring happiness.” while those are indeed answers, are those truly the ointment to your wounds or are they just band-aids?

instead, ask yourself: “how do i need to feel? how do i need and want to show up? what resources at a really simple level do i need to feel like my best self?”

go deeper - as deep as you can go - to understand how to answer these. let whatever bubbles up to the surface lead the way.

look at your life and your patterns and see what they have to show you. you can’t rush the unfolding. you can’t rush a flower to bloom, or an egg to hatch. 

you get to make the choice to change how you walk the paths that split in front of you.

the answers are there, if you force yourself to look.